Trying to escape the box, getting comfortable with many faces, and starting new projects
On being a multi-faceted creative & resisting being putting in a box
When you get stuck in a box it’s really hard to pull yourself out of it. Legs go numb and get jammed into one of the corners, arms start tingling for lack of blood flow, the head tries to stay upright and retain a sense of normalcy but inevitably the whole body becomes a painful mess of limbs in the wrong position.
Being popped in a box, pigeon-holed, categorized, is one of the worst experiences for creative folks. It’s debilitating, soul-destroying and the worst kind of blockage when it comes to creative flow: there can literally be no flow when you are confined by six walls. So I wonder why I regularly attempt to squeeze myself into a box and think everything will work out just fine?! The answer of course is that I’ve listened to too many “experts” of the art world and social media “influencers” who tell me that I need to focus on that precious ONE thing that will bring me success (whatever that means). “Make art that looks the same over and over. Be an artist, you can’t be an art collector too. Forget about being an arts director, artists can’t manage anything. And now you want to write too? What?!”
As someone who has dabbled in all areas of the arts and wishes to continue her dabbling career, other people’s resistance to accepting a multi-faceted arts professional has been the biggest barrier to my full evolution as Renaissance woman ;) I have continually felt under pressure to follow one straight path and to resist making the many diversions that have brought me such joy and fulfillment over the years. I have felt the numbness in my body when I start to feel stifled and starved of creative oxygen; it’s a physical discomfort that manifests as restlessness, tension in my shoulders and neck, tightness in my jaw. And I’ve jumped in and out of boxes for years, trying to confine myself to one creative channel but all the while just wanting to take a match to the cardboard. And who benefits from that box? Certainly not me but definitely the box makers: the gate-keepers, the holders of the old keys. I am done with it. As I begin this new writing column I am actively tearing up all the boxes and re-assembling them to create a beautiful, organic, flexible structure that is able to hold ALL my creative avenues and will stretch and grow around me as I hold out my arms with endless offerings to the world.
May we destroy all self-limiting boxes and build weird, modular containers that expand like our breath and support our beautiful creative practices.
Self-Portrait Update
FACET: 1620s, "one side of a multi-sided body," from French facette (12c., Old French facete), diminutive of face "face, appearance" (see face (n.)). - from etymonline.com
When my new container is finished I imagine it will be multi-faceted and on each facet there will be one of my many faces. I’ve been drawing self-portraits since the beginning of 2022 and the biggest takeaway so far is that I am not one person. Catch me first thing in the morning and I’m a wild-haired crone; look at me after reading the news and I’m often a howling, wrinkled hag; see me late at night and I’ve softened into a sleepy, lazy-eyed clown. I am not one woman. I am not the woman I was ten years ago when I moved to the U.S.A. I am not even the woman I was last week. I am not the woman I will become next year. I am not one woman.
(At this point I want to stick Chaka Khan’s I’m Every Woman on Spotify and sing at the top of my voice, “It’s all in me.”)
I have found self-portraiture to be an incredible journey of self-liberation and self-acceptance. From my initial feelings of, this is so self-indulgent, I’ve come to see self-portraiture as a vital self-care practice: if I can’t really see myself, how can I ever know what I need to be well? And it’s a practice that requires zero investment beyond a mirror, a pencil, a scrap of paper and a few minutes of time.
I’m going to be teaching a self-portraiture class soon, stay tuned.
New Projects
I’ve been watching YouTube videos of how to contour my face. Putting on a new face is something I haven’t done for years yet when I was a teenager I would spend hours in front of a mirror trying different make-up looks. Part of destroying my box and accepting who I am (and who I could be) means I have to be open to becoming someone new, or at least, someone slightly different to who I am now. Trying on different faces to see how they fit, is both terrifying (because that bloody box keeps trying to get back in the room!) and exciting. I am trying on the face of a professional writer, and by professional I mean I’m committing to writing and sharing my writing consistently. Substack seems like a nice place to do this - I don’t have to worry about grammar, or dodgy spelling (i know I write in a hybrid British/American English), or even editing too much. These columns are meant to be a stream of words from the heart, not a thesis.
Here’s to putting on a new face and starting new adventures. If you’re starting something new I’d love to hear about it below.
JC x
I love your box drawings! This is where "secret art" comes in for me I think... why does it have to be "secret" though??
I also feel completely uninterested in boxes. I gave them up during the panini. The moment I feel that people expect something from me in a certain style I want to run. I feel trapped and squirmy. But it's interesting…as I'm settling into some illustrative, folk art styling I'm really feeling myself soften and explore. There seems to be a lot more room for me to exist in the space of folk. I'm not sure if that is me feeling comfortable in a more traditional craft, or surrounded by other women artists. I'm not sure what about folk art makes me feel so comfortable. But it does. And I'm done trying to be something different. Yes, I might explore other forms of expression, but it is interesting to see where we keep coming back.
Also, I love reading your writing! It's so great to have multiple avenues of self-expression!